EqWine - Our hilarious new horse blog series

1. Happy Horse Hunting!

‘Buying a new horse is nothing like buying a new pair of shoes, or handbag, or even a car. For starters, it’s not fun. You don’t get to skip from shop to shop, excitedly checking out whatever Zara, Primark or Ted Baker has to offer. Instead, you have to wade through hundreds of classified ads…’

2. The wait is over

You’ve been horse-hunting for weeks, you’ve tried out a host of unsuitable horses and had more wild rides than David Britnell going round Badminton, but the deed is finally done….

3. Things everyone discovers when they buy a horse

Anyone who’s ever bought a new horse will discover two things. Firstly, you will experience buyer’s remorse, when you wake up in the dead of night in a cold sweat going, ‘Oh god, what have I done?’ This normally happens around two weeks after the horse arriving…

4. The truth about yards and yard mates

Unless you’re lucky enough to have your own land (in which case, can we swap lives please?) then owning a horse invariably means mingling with the general public. That’s right, you get to experience life on a livery yard.

5. Buyer's Remorse

At first, everything’s great. You’re so in love with your new horse that he can do no wrong in your eyes. So what if you can’t get him to go nicely in an outline, or if he keeps getting away from you when you lead him in and out of the field and prances off to visit his new horsemates? At least he’s demonstrating a rather lovely, flowing working trot!

6. It’s Competition Time – Maybe you’ll get a rosette for “Not Crying”!!

Not everybody wants to compete. Plenty of horse owners are happy just pootling about with their horse, hacking through the beautiful British countryside, or doing clinics and camps, but have absolutely no desire to put themselves through the stress of performing in front of a judge and a bunch of curious bystanders.

7. The hypochondriac horse and its poor owner

Every horse owner is all-too familiar with that sinking feeling you get when your beloved steed comes limping up to the gate and hobbles to his stable as if he’s got a leg hanging off. His head’s drooping, and he’s not touching his hay. He’s a horse in terrible agony, and he wants everyone to know it.

8. Selling Your Beloved, Yet Challenging Steed !

If you thinking selling a house is a minefield, then you’ve obviously never tried to sell a horse. Firstly, you have to deal with the guilt-trip you’ll get from well-meaning horsey friends.  ‘But you and Prince have been doing so well together,’ they’ll cry, as you try desperately to raise your ‘medicinal’ glass of wine to your mouth despite the fact that your arm’s in a cast after an incident involving a wheelie bin, a bucking horse and a ditch. ‘Just hang in there!’

9. Go Out Eventing....It'll Be Fun They Said!!

You’ve wanted to be an eventer since you were a little girl, when you cut photos of Ginny Leng and Lucinda Green out of Horse & Pony magazine to pin up on your wall. You dream of galloping over the hallowed turf at Burghley, murmuring encouragement to your trusty steed as you fly effortlessly over the Cottesmore Leap…

10. The Special Breed – ‘Horse Owners in the Winter’

If you let out a groan in October when the clocks went back, you’re not alone. All horse owners in the country were groaning along with you.

Winter is the time of year that every horse owner dreads. It’s not so bad if you can afford to put your horse on full or part livery and have done with it – but, sadly, that’s not always possible for practical or financial reasons. And, believe it or not, some grade A nutters actually want to do their horse themselves, even when it’s -9 degrees outside and blowing a gale that makes 2017’s Beast From The East feel like a warm breeze.

11. The Modern Day Horse And Their Expensive Tastes!

Back in the ‘70s and ‘80s, if you were a horse owner, life was pretty straightforward. You fed Prince hay, and if he needed a bit more oomph, some oats. If he got cold, you’d put his jute rug on in the stable (basically like a posh version of sacking, with straw thatched underneath, for anyone who doesn’t remember these) or his New Zealand rug for the field. New Zealand rugs came in a choice of navy blue or khaki green, and that was it.

12. The Truth About Yard Politics

Even if you’re paying an eye-watering chunk of your salary to make sure that Prince is treated like, well, a prince at his yard, you’re going to find yourself muttering crossly under your breath at times. And there’s nearly always one reason for this. Yard politics.